Building a better Palin

Let's face it, the Sarah Palin model is not quite everything we want it to be. But first it is appropriate to focus on the parts that sing true to our cynical, broken little hearts.

1. She's a trooper. Not in the sense of Troopergate but she truly is the kind of person who hangs in there and does not allow a little adversity to stand between her and the finish line. She's a born leader who has accomplished many things in her 44 years. She is a physical, active being who is always "on". She is a hustler. She has seen the beast in man and has not shuddered in defeat. She climbs and does not look back.

2. She is not a victim. She does not whine about inequality or not getting her fair share of respect or recognition. She does not expect a handout to help her get through a mess she herself has created. She understands that choices that are made have an exacting impact on the quality of life that any person can expect. She recognizes that rape does not have to be the life-crippling event it is made out to be by feminists who nobody would want to fuck in the first place.

3. She is committed to a specific vision that she refuses to abandon. It might not be your vision but one has to admire the tenacity with which she pursues it. She is almost pathologically idealistic and driven by ghosts that she has learned to put in their place.

4. She lives her convictions. Yes, 90 percent of women who learn their fetus will develop down syndrome choose to kill it. Sarah Palin chose to bring him into the world despite all of the trials and miseries she will face because of her decision.

But, there are other things that might lead one to shriek in fear and cower as she marches forward, ever onward toward her promise land.

1. She hates the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and clitorises of the poor, disenfranchised, and broken. She does not agree that any woman should be able to decide to rid her body of the unwanted terrorist who would suck the very life force from her if it were given the opportunity to grow. She does not want young girls to discover secret pleasures and devices that might actually prevent them from placing themselves in impossible situations that cannot be undone.

2. She is a broken wind-up toy who simply says the same tired old things over and again with no let up. She refuses to change her story even though everybody knows the truth behind the swagger. She is seemingly incapable of admitting to her failures and poor judgment and continues to bleat out lies that nevertheless do not sway the opinions of the faithful.

3. She hates nature. She is too closely entrenched in the bullish philosophy of big oil. She seems determined to disrupt the sanctity of various habitats in order to satisfy the consumerist yearnings of the America spending machine. She appears to be an enemy of wolves and polar bears because they do not fit neatly into her Exxon/BP fantasies. She loves only those adorable creatures she can murder, dissect, and digest.

4. She is really terrifying up close. All of that energy and gumption and intensity is simply too much to bear in one person. Indeed, she may very well not be human at all. There are reports that suggest she did indeed drop from an alien spaceship and is only here to monitor humans and report back to her home planet the details of what she has discovered.

Overall, it's true that we have been accosted by a bona fide phenomenon that has afflicted all of us in ways we could not have anticipated. Her body is the subject of many dark, lonely nights. She has burrowed her way into our dreams and countless scenarios continue to plague us. During our fitful sleep there are millions of little Sarah Palins committing crimes, breaking up families, smashing hopes, and confirming fears. She has invaded our very Selves and may indeed be scorched from our memories yet when this election season grows up and begins to tackle the issues that are the only necessity worth considering. Until then, we will continue to dream about a restaurant of Sarah's al la John Malcovitch jabbering away, tricking us into believing, formulating our salvations while our sickly, pale bodies crumble away and die.